Self-affirmation

How about a good old kick in the pants to get things going here? Physically kicking yourself in the pants, while wearing said pants, may present a challenge depending how flexible you are or aren't. Many times though, a good mental kick in the pants is even harder.

After a very long time in coming, I managed to plant a good solid thwack on the old brain box. What follows is a sort of declaration that spilled out the top of said brain box while the bottom was still being thwacked.

Through my twenties I would say things like, "I want to be a writer when I grow up" and "I'd like to see the pyramids one day". I was young, now was now and tomorrow was far too late. The world would change and I would have a hand it. The system as it stood didn't apply to me, it was out-moded, old and irrelevant.

Through my thirties I'm not sure what happened. Things slowed down. I got caught up in working to live and the days blurred into months and then into years with no real change. As cliché as it sounds, time slipped through my fingers like grains of sand in an hourglass and I didn't notice a thing. I would talk about tomorrow but it was a far off concept more than a reality.

Now, entering my forties, I stand on a cusp and realize something deep within me has changed. Part of this change has been painfully obvious. I have bouts of nostalgia so strong they make my chest hurt. I look back at my life and see so much selfishness.

The other part is much more subtle however. The phrases from my twenties have become "I'd like to write something before I die" and "I'd like to see a real mummy one day". My sense of mortality has finally kicked in. Gone is the forever eighteen year old indestructible youth who was going to turn the world upside down, recreating it in his image. My dreams have become much less grand, my aspirations shadows of their former selves.

About two weeks ago another truth struck. What the hell was I actually doing to try and obtain any of those dreams? What the hell am I doing right now, this very day, to change my situation? The answer is both obvious and painful. NOTHING.

I want to be a writer when I grow up and I've finally decided I'm growing up.

Now.